How to Prevent Maladaptive Behavior in Children According to a Licensed Mental Health Clinician

There’s no doubt that the pandemic has exacerbated mental health issues across the board. But if you’ve talked to anyone working in a school recently, you’ll hear some disheartening news. Our children’s mental health is waning and they’re crying out for help. From destroying classrooms to disrespectful behavior and even assaulting teachers, there’s an epidemic of mental health issues in our youth. 

Although many want to point their fingers at the pandemic and time spent in isolation, data has shown that our children have been suffering even before 2020. According to the CDC, ADHD, anxiety problems, behavior problems, and depression were the most commonly diagnosed mental disorders in children between 2016 and 2019. During this period, about 6 million children were diagnosed with ADHD, 5.8 million were diagnosed with anxiety, 5.5 million were diagnosed with behavior problems, and 2.7 million were diagnosed with depression. These are staggering numbers considering that we’re talking about children between the ages of 3 and 17. 

There are some obvious culprits. Studies have shown that too much time on technological devices can increase the likelihood of all of the aforementioned conditions, particularly ADHD and depression. Lack of supervision from parents, perhaps due to work, is another culprit leading to risky and maladaptive behaviors. But in the life of  a modern parent, working against these things can be hard. In addition to recreational screen time, children have an increase of technology use at school with many classes requiring the students to work through modules or submit assignments online. And cutting down on time at work is a luxury many parents don’t have, particularly single parents or low-income families. So what are families to do?

Naomi Haberman is a mental health clinician who works closely with children and their families on a myriad of mental health issues including depression, self-harm, and suicide. What’s the number one issue she sees in families? Too many or too few expectations and boundaries. 

“Many families I work with have zero boundaries with their children, as in they are permitted to do basically anything they want with very little expectations or consequences. This is extremely maladaptive as children get older and the behaviors get riskier. It is often a situation where parents so badly want to be liked by their children that they forget to parent them and are more interested in being their best friend.” 

But the other extreme can be just as harmful, according to Haberman. “Then there’s the other end of the spectrum where parents have their children scheduled to within an inch of their life, with all advanced classes, and expecting A’s. These children struggle with many things, but mostly the fear of disappointing their parents. They stay up all night to study, don’t have healthy social lives, and often self harm or attempt suicide becuase the weight of their pressure to achieve is so high. They often avoid telling their parents about this struggle because they fear that disappointment.” 

The solution? It may seem obvious, but the answer is balance. While it’s good to have a sense of friendship with your kids, it’s important to lay down boundaries and let them know that you still expect good things from them. On the other end, it’s ok to have high expectations for your children because you want them to be the best they can be, but make sure there’s  a level of comfortability in which the child feels heard. 

Let’s take a look at a scenario in which a child wants to quit an extracurricular activity. The parent who has no expectations may say something like, “That’s cool, honey, whatever you want to do.” Although that may have been intended to communicate unconditional love or a go-with-the-flow attitude, it can also come off as not being invested. It also teaches the child that they can follow any base compulsion and it will be fine. In the case of dropping those piano classes, it will be fine. But what about other compulsions in the future? A healthy dose of discipline is necessary to bring up regulated adults. 

The parent who has extremely high expectations, on the other hand, may make a big deal out of the sentiment and drive the point home that they didn’t raise quitters or that it’s important to be a well-rounded person. These may be noble goals, but often the parent is not hearing what the child is actually saying. They may be stating that they want to quit piano, but what they’re actually saying is that they are tired and stressed, or they feel insecure about their progress, or that there’s something that they are more  passionate about. Just taking the time to have a listening ear to talk over the problem and solutions in a calm and loving manner can be hugely beneficial for the child and your relationship with them. Furthermore, if they feel like their parents don’t understand them, who do they turn to? Friends. That may be fine if their friends have been raised with the same values as your family. But that is not always the case. At any rate, even the best of kids experiment with risky behavior. If your child only has their friends to turn to in order to be heard, they’ll be easily influenced by the behaviors of these other young people who are learning themselves. 

So what areas should parents have expectations and boundaries in? There are a few non-negotiables, according to experts. Some important things include respecting others, reasonable grade standards, limited technology times, (experts recommend no more than two hours a day for children 2 and up,) helping out around the house to an appropriate degree, maintaining a tidy room, and making healthy choices. 

And what are some expectations that parents can drop? Requiring straight A’s, participating in extracurricular activities that the child is no longer passionate about, not allowing technology at all, and being responsible for an excess of household duties. In addition, although healthy eating is crucial for proper development, it is also important to give your child leeway to enjoy “fun” foods, too. Being too stringent about eating healthy can lead to eating disorders and a poor relationship with food and body image. 

According to Psychology Today, expectations should also meet children where they are. Take what the child is already doing now, and make the expectation just a notch above. Are you a loosey-goosey parent with a child who is failing his classes? Turning into a drill sergeant expecting all A’s isn’t the solution. Instead, tighten up some routines and expect the child to bring up all his grades to a D or a C by next quarter. That may not be your ideal standard, but as the year progresses so should the standards

Conversely, you may have a child who is fully capable of achieving straight A’s; but the pressure of having  to be the best at all times can be very harmful to a child’s well-being.  Professor of Psychology, Kou Murayama, led a 2015 study on the harmful effects of inflated parental expectations. “Although parental aspiration is an important vehicle through which children’s academic potential can be realized, excessive parental aspiration can be poisonous.” The key word here is excessive. When your high achieving child continues to perform well, praise him. But if mistakes are made or there are signs of stress and perfectionism, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart talk about being human.

When putting these expectations and boundaries into place it is important to communicate why these are being established and how it benefits them. Remember to make it clear that you are available to talk if they have any concerns or questions about any aspect of their lives, even if it leads to disappointing you. You may be disappointed, but the child’s well-being is the most important thing here. Remind them that, ultimately, you are there to help them become the best people they can be and that includes not just tangible signs of success, but emotional success, as well.